so i guess that maybe this is why we have blogs. it saves writing on scrappy bits of paper, or writing that letter you'll never post... oh wait that should have read e-mail...
i recently lost my father... to say that i was blessed to have him for 43 years is an understatement considering the shorter time others have had to spend with theirs...
daddy was his name, since i was a little girl, and even though there was a vast gap of almost 10 years where i didn't see him... i spoke to him often. the last time i saw him was about 3 years ago and it was not an easy experience... but then daddy was not an easy person. the last time i spoke to him was the day after his birthday in november last year.
i believe there is truth in the saying: "just because somebody doesn't love you the way you expect them to love you doesn't mean they don't." and that was daddy. the stubborn recluse who made no effort with his 3 grandchildren over the years and who never visited me in cape town once.
i know he loved me, his only daughter "missy muffet". i can hear him now on the phone "oh hallo darling." in his perfect voice over english accent... the actor, always painting his stories...
i have so many memories as a child... my protector, my hero... and as i think back i sit here crying just like the small child he put on his knee when i fell and hurt myself, him always complaining about my boney bum... i wish your exit from this world had been an easier one... but as i've already said... easy wasn't your strongest point.
i'm feeling very alone in my emotions, not really having been able to feel that there's anybody solid i can turn to... circumstances prevail, i know this, but still, there are somethings i wished had not been expected of me in this situation... when it should be the man taking certain responsibilities. such as at war, the man would not expect the woman to fire the gun... these things have compounded my broken heart... things i never wanted to have to hear or say were left to my responsibility and i believed i was strong enough as i have always had to be... but this time, i really wasn't.
tears stream down my face now and i can barely get through a word without howling... daddy i am so very sorry... i hear and see you everywhere... and no matter the stubborn person you were... i loved you still. please take care of yourself, it's all i ever wanted for you and know you were and forever will be, in my heart.
see you on the other side. your daughter.
sean kelly 11.11.1933 - 19.12.2011 R.I.P
