how does one put that into words?... to think and analyse how you feel, what makes you feel, when not to feel, when you've given up on feeling. when possibly the only feelings you have left are those of hopelessness, fear, confusion, loneliness, isolation, misunderstanding... the list goes on. you ask yourself, "what am i doing here?" "what is my purpose?" "who cares?"
no i'm not depressed, i'm just lost... i think i've been lost for far too long, and more because nobody has ever really attempted to find me... i've tried myself, but it's not easy, and eventually you just stop trying. the will is gone, the desire, the belief.
i consider myself intelligent, a good person, a loyal friend, a dedicated mother, a somewhat difficult daughter, but none-the-less a protective one... but yet, it's me against a world i have gradually withdrawn from, because i just feel it has nothing to offer me and i, nothing to contribute to it.
i have a strong mind, i have a strong will, i have extreme morals and will not be wavered... but all this gets beaten down over time. the human race is selfish... too busy with their own lives to take time to think of others... a simple call, a supportive message, just to say hello and see how you are... good friends are rare... almost extinct. out-of-sight-out-of-mind... it takes a strong mind and strong will, to be able to get up each day and actually have no real reason to... life is a struggle, an inconvenience, to actually have to get up and live it when you get to this mundane period of your life.
no i don't feel sorry for myself, i don't have time for that, wallowing is not my thing... being a realist is... knowing that i wouldn't wish anyone to be in this place as i know so many are, have been, and are going to... the weak do not survive. short periods of doubt, insecurity, misdirection and even sadness are normal... but year-in-year-out trying to justify that it will get better, to hear others say "this too shall pass." you have to "get it" and know, it probably won't.
i am a care giver, a good listener, a supportive individual to those who need it, i'm compassionate, honest and pretty intuitive when it comes to the situations and needs of others, but somehow i lack to see that returned... whether in the physical or the spiritual... just nothing. for me i feel i am being tested everyday, to see how much more i can take before i break. the knot in my stomach, the broken sleep pattern, the over active mind...
i've never taken drugs, recreational or prescription. never used anything to get me through... not alcohol or a therapist, despite having the biggest question to ask "what did i do wrong?" i exercise religiously almost everyday, i eat healthily, i have a personality, i'm easy company... so one would think "what's the problem?" if i knew i wouldn't have been traipsing this tedious road of doubt for more than a decade, living a totally secluded life.
i work hard, have my entire life, more to survive than anything else, as single mother then and a single woman now. my daughter is grown, i live alone. i have worked most of my life in the fashion industry, my passion, and to look at me you would never know the true existence i have... which is almost nothing... i go to gym, i go to work and i come home... but at present work is in the air... a few months to see if this idea will still take off and if not, back to the drawing board at my age to find employment. and so comes the question again "what is the point?"
nobody to turn to, nobody to come home to at night to make it all a little better... the bath run, dinner on the table, intellectual conversation... and no certainty about the future...
have i made any sense?
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