d.a.d.d.y

so i guess that maybe this is why we have blogs. it saves writing on scrappy bits of paper, or writing that letter you'll never post... oh wait that should have read e-mail...

i recently lost my father... to say that i was blessed to have him for 43 years is an understatement considering the shorter time others have had to spend with theirs...

daddy was his name, since i was a little girl, and even though there was a vast gap of almost 10 years where i didn't see him... i spoke to him often. the last time i saw him was about 3 years ago and it was not an easy experience... but then daddy was not an easy person. the last time i spoke to him was the day after his birthday in november last year.

i believe there is truth in the saying: "just because somebody doesn't love you the way you expect them to love you doesn't mean they don't." and that was daddy. the stubborn recluse who made no effort with his 3 grandchildren over the years and who never visited me in cape town once.

i know he loved me, his only daughter "missy muffet". i can hear him now on the phone "oh hallo darling." in his perfect voice over english accent... the actor, always painting his stories...

i have so many memories as a child... my protector, my hero... and as i think back i sit here crying just like the small child he put on his knee when i fell and hurt myself, him always complaining about my boney bum... i wish your exit from this world had been an easier one... but as i've already said... easy wasn't your strongest point.

i'm feeling very alone in my emotions, not really having been able to feel that there's anybody solid i can turn to... circumstances prevail, i know this, but still, there are somethings i wished had not been expected of me in this situation... when it should be the man taking certain responsibilities. such as at war, the man would not expect the woman to fire the gun... these things have compounded my broken heart... things i never wanted to have to hear or say were left to my responsibility and i believed i was strong enough as i have always had to be... but this time, i really wasn't.

tears stream down my face now and i can barely get through a word without howling... daddy i am so very sorry... i hear and see you everywhere... and no matter the stubborn person you were... i loved you still. please take care of yourself, it's all i ever wanted for you and know you were and forever will be, in my heart.

see you on the other side. your daughter.

sean kelly 11.11.1933 - 19.12.2011 R.I.P

it's.a.keeper

harsh.words.spoken

I ran into a stranger as he passed by,

"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.

He said, "Please excuse me too; I wasn't watching for you."

We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said good-bye.

But at home a different story is told, how we treat our loved ones, young and old. Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked him down. "Move out of the way," I said with a frown. He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken. While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said, "While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use, but the children you love, you seem to abuse.

Go and look on the kitchen floor, you'll find some flowers there by the door. Those are the flowers he brought for you. He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue. He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise, and you never saw the tears that filled his little
eyes."

By this time, I felt very small, And now my tears began to fall. I quietly went and knelt by his bed;

"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said. "Are these the flowers you picked for me?"

He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree. I picked 'em because they're pretty like you. I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."

I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today; I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."

he said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay. I love you anyway."

I said, "Son, I love you too, and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."

Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that
we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days.

But the family we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest
of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into
work than to our own family, an unwise investment indeed, don't
you think?

if.a.man.wants.you

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slow is better
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve, then no, you can't be "friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, he probably is. Don't stay because you think it will get better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who have a bunch of children from a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate to his.
Maintain boundaries in how a man treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything, he will use it against you later.
You cannot change a mans behaviour. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are ... even if he has more education or a better job.
Don't make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone elses man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending ... compromise is a two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships ... there is nothing cute about baggage ... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you ... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals ... look for someone complimentary ... not supplementary.
Dating is fun ... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr Right.
Make him miss you sometimes ... when a man always knows where you are, and you are always available for him - he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar.
Scared of being alone is what makes alot of women stay in relationships that are abusive and hurtful: Dr Phil.
If he was attracted to you in the first place, just know that he's not the only one.
Take care of your own heart.

what.will.matter

Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end.
There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.
All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.
Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.
It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.
Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies will finally disappear.
So too, your hopes, ambitions, plans and to-do lists will expire.
The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.
It won't matter where you came from or what side of the tracks you lived on at the end.
It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.
Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.
So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?
What will matter is not what you bought but what you built,
not what you got but what you gave.
What will matter is not your success but your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned but what you taught.
What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched,
empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.
What will matter is not your competence but your character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew,
but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone.
What will matter is not your memories but the memories of those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.
Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident.
It's not a matter of circumstance but of choice.
Choose to live a life that matters.

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